Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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