i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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