I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
