Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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