Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
