I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
