eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I need moral support for this bender
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize