I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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