thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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