Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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