So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
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