is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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