sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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