you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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