If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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