Someone shit on the floor
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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