Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
