The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
