Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
zippers are such a cool invention
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
