Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize