I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Randomize
