dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
