I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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