Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
