I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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