After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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