I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
