I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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