This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
You know, be my cock's hype man.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize