She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
