We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
