i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
