I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
