The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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