oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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