I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
The best revenge is premature balding
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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