mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
