how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize