how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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