i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
