There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
