I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
