Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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