I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
as a side note pls kill me
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize