Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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