tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
