I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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