I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
