Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
