When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
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