i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
you would pick up someone in the library
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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