I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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