New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
