Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
