Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
