I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
