Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
